Well, I guess it was back in sixty-three
When eating my cooking got the better of me
So I asked this little girl I was going with
To be my wife
Well, she said she would
So I said, "I do"
But I'd said, "I wouldn't"
If I'd just knew
How saying "I do"
Was gonna screw up all of my life
Well, the first few years weren't all that bad
I'll never forget the good times we had
Cause I'm reminded every month
When I send her the child support
Well, it wasn't too long
Till the lust all died
And I'll admit, I wasn't too surprised
The day I come home and found my suitcase
Sitting out on the porch
Well, I tried to get in
She changed the lock
Then I found this note
Taped on the mailbox that said
"Goodbye, turkey
My attorney will be in touch"
So I decided right then and there
I was gonna do what's right
Give her her fair share
But brother
I didn't know her share was gonna be that much
She got the goldmine
I got the shaft
They split it right down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, it all sounds sorta funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine
I got the shaft
Now listen
You ain't heard nothing yet
Why, they give her the color television set
Then they give her the house
The kids and both of the cars
See?
Well, then they start talking about child support
Alimony and the costs to the court
Didn't take me long to figure out
How far in the toilet I was
I'm telling you
They have made a mistake
Cause it adds up to more than this cowboy makes
Besides, everything I ever had worth taking
They've already took
While she's living like a queen on alimony
I'm working two shifts, eating baloney
Asking myself
Why didn't you just learn how to cook?
They give her the goldmine
They give me the shaft
They said they're splitting it all down the middle
But she got the better half
Well, it all sounds mighty funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine
I got the shaft
Well, she got the goldmine
I got the shaft
They split it all down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well, I guess it all sounds funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine
I got the shaft
Heh, heh, they ain't kidding
I got the shaft
But I don't have to worry about toting a billfold anymore
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
I let my wife tote it
I'm gonna be carrying food stamps
You get it judge?
I'm gonna be indebted
That's not funny, huh?
Huh?
Contempt of court?
What do you mean I'm
Listen, judge
I'm just kidding
I mean, you can't get blood out of a turnip, can ya?