Now I'm not one
To get all excited
I'm seldom tense
And I'm never uptight
But there's one thing in this world
That really makes me upset
Now that's them coin machines
Them nickel and dimers
Them out-of-orders
And them work-one-timers
Those nickel an dime
Quarter grubbing monsters
I mean, how many times
Have you had the munchies
So you whip out a dime
For some peanut crunchies
You put it in the slot
And you pull the handle
And then just nothing?
So you cuss and you beat it
Till your hand is blue
You push and you shove
And you kick it with your shoe
And finally just walk away
While it's blinking
"Thank you"
Which is machine
For we just
Stuck it to you, son
I'd like to meet the man
Who invented the coin machine
He must have hated mankind
And every other living thing
I'll bet he had a motto
On his wall in prose and rhyme
Saying, "You get nothing for a nickel
Twice as much for a dime"
Well, they'll offer you cigarettes
Soft drinks, cigars
Barbecue potato chips
And all kinda candy bars
Peanuts, popcorn, cracker jacks
And red hots
And you can pay a quarter
For a nickel comb
Get a throw away razor
And a shot of cologne
Get a bad shoeshine
That even polishes your socks
But I think the worst of those
You see with the glass
Where you can see what you want
But you can bet your donkey
There ain't no way short of a blow torch
You gonna get nothing outta there
Then how about those
On the men's room wall
Boys, you know what I mean
You have seen them all
When you lose six bits
In one of them boogers
You're just too embarrassed to complain
So you just kinda go home
By yourself
I'd like to meet the man
Who invented the coin machine
Well, he must have hated mankind
And every other living thing
I'll bet he had a motto
On his wall in prose and rhyme
Saying, "You get nothing for a nickel
Twice as much for a dime"
Now I heard this story
About a fellow one time
Who certainly is a hero of mine
He ranks right up there
With John Wayne
Burt Reynolds and Merle Haggard
Seems there was this certain
Soft drink machine
It was rusty and old
Cantankerous and mean
And it took him for just one too many quarters
And his mind snapped
So he went out to his his car
And looked up under the seat
And he whipped out a forty-five
Clean and neat
He walked up to that machine and said
"Hand it over, son
It's your last chance"
Then he plugged that thing
About three or four times
Right up under that blinking
"Have a Coke" sign
Then it just coughed
And spit up four hundred dollars
Worth of quarters and died
The judge called it self defense
I'd like to meet the man
Who invented the coin machine
Well, he must have hated mankind
And every other living thing
I'll bet he had a motto
On his wall in prose and rhyme
Saying, "You get nothing for a nickel
Twice as much for a dime"